Paint Me the Way That I Am
by heylittlelovely
Summary: They expected so much of her, but she couldn't give them what they wanted. So why not erase herself completely?
1. Chapter 1

"_I find no peace, and all my war is done, I fear and hope, I burn and freeze like ice. I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise, and naught I have, and all the world I seize on."_

_-Sir Thomas Wyatt the Elder._

They were easy to hide; the bruises on my arms. I could simply wear a sweatshirt or a long sleeved shirt to cover them up and no one would ever really notice.

However, the bruise on my eye and the cut on my lip could not be covered up no matter how hard I tried, regardless of how much make up I put on my face. The black and purple shades were unforgiving and would undoubtedly divulge my dirty little secret.

My stories of falling down the stairs or running into a door were useless excuses at this point; justifications I've used too many times in the past. My co workers at the music store I worked at were starting to take notice. The abuse was not only physical but there was a deep emotional assault on my soul. I was broken, and they could do nothing but stand silently by only taking note that with each passing day I came into work with one less piece of me.

All because I said no.

His hands gripped my arms and then my face as I tried to escape. It was not the first time and frankly I was now almost deadened to it. However after this last time I had finally had enough, I couldn't stand it any longer.

That night after he had fucked me, as he was sleeping, I quietly snuck out. I only had time to grab my sweatshirt. I zipped it up all the way, pulling down at the sleeves and then quickly putting my hood up over my long black hair like a shroud.

I walked in my front door and was greeted by my father. I allowed him see my beaten face and I let him wake my mother up. She hugged me as she cried into my shoulder.

He was arrested that night; but not for raping me.

My parents thought it would destroy me to go into court and to testify against him. Sadly it wasn't my mental wellbeing they were trying to protect; rather it was keeping my social status intact that was their main concern. My precious fucking reputation.

He had apparently woken up after I left and had another girl take my place in his bed. Someone complained about a disturbance, most likely with the girl.

The cops grabbed him and of course he tried resisting; he was James fucking Newton. No one fucked with him. But his time was up and he was now behind those rusty bars. I was assured by my parents that he wouldn't be bothering me anymore…I had no choice but to believe them.

What they didn't tell me, and what I later learned, was he would be out before I knew it. And who knew what he would be capable of after this. He was volatile under the best of circumstances and this would just add fuel to the fire.

The night I came home from being hit was the first time I felt like my parents actually acknowledged me. That quickly passed though and they were back to there old selves. My mother came home from work the very next day with several different brands of makeup, handed it all to me and said "Fix your face up before people see."

I was literally shattered at that point into a million pieces, broken; and all my mother could worry about was how I was perceived by others. Fuck her.

My parents, especially my mother were both social climbers. They cared entirely too much about other people's opinion. They believed what other people said and thought about you was the ultimate power. Their perception made you either a pile of shit or a pile of gold. And of course they expected me to be the same. For the first ten years of my life I was thrown out into the world wearing perfect clothes, always with perfect hair and perfect everything. Our house was extravagant and that's the way my parents like it. They felt complete; all I felt when I looked at it was suffocated.

Of course I wasn't going to put up with that kind of shit. So I started dressing how I wanted to and doing my hair and makeup as I pleased. It was fantastic because it totally pissed them off.

By the time I was sixteen I had perfected my look; long layered black hair, dark skinny jeans and a t-shirt of my choice. If I had a nickel for every time my mother gave me a nasty disapproving look, I would be fucking rich.

At age seventeen I met James. He was the guy that everyone seemed to know in high school but no one could have. He was perceived as unattainable so when he asked me out one night, I couldn't say no and suddenly my life was transformed into something I didn't recognize.

Our nights were filled with sex and drugs. I very rarely slept at my house, my parents too naïve and absent to even notice.

My dad was always at work. He was a well known Psychologist in the town of Seattle and my mom owned a small boutique right down the road from my dad.

My friends at school were limited because I completely immersed myself in _him. _Consequently they didn't matter much because at the end of the day, those people didn't exist. It was just us. I would, and I did, do anything for him. I found myself doing things I never envisioned myself doing. But he said it was all for us and that it would be ok; I had to believe him right?

The next day, after my mom had put on an "I care for my daughter" show for anyone who would listen, she felt the need to blatantly tell me it was my fault for being raped. That I shouldn't have been in his apartment and I shouldn't have associated myself with _those people_. Rather I should dress prettier and wear nicer makeup because how I currently looked every day gave boys the wrong impression.

I wanted to die.

Everything that had mattered to me in some way or another had been taken away from me.

I never had my parents, not really.

My boyfriend, whom I was ridiculously addicted to, was gone even though it was for good reason.

The only friend I even had was Christine, who was sadly in the same situation as I was. Although my parents did at least make an attempt at pleasantries, her parents didn't even talk to her at all.

Come to find out, it didn't matter whom I did or didn't associate with in my messy past because a week after James was convicted, they informed me I would be switching schools. You see, we lived in Forks, Washington but I didn't attend school there.

Up until now my parents dropped me off every day at a school that was just inside of Seattle and let me tell you that place was fucking hell.

The girls were prissy and I didn't get along with my teachers so I was mildly relieved when they said I would be attending Forks High School.

However, it would be in the middle of the school year.

I would be the new girl.

Just fucking great….

I didn't want to do this…

It was a week before I was going to start at FHS and here it was, 4:39 a.m. and I'm unable to go back to sleep. Tossing and turning, the images of James were haunting me in my dreams and I knew then it was a fruitless exercise. I thought about calling someone to talk, because that's what I needed, someone to listen and just tell me what to do. But I knew deep down that was meaningless. I didn't think anyone could help me at this point. When I took a breath, it felt as if there was a ten pound weight on my chest.

In and out I breathed, but the pain never ceased. One time someone, anonymous to me, suggested to the school counselor I needed someone to confide in. What monumental waste of their time and mine that was. The counselor kept droning on about some bullshit; being the better person and proving to my parents their views of me are skewed. Fuck him and fuck my parents. I knew them and understood regardless of what I did, I would never be good enough. I would never truly measure up. Nothing I did was enough for them and their friend's expectations.

He finally gave up, like everyone else had with me, and told me if I ever needed to talk his door was always open; I slammed it on the way out of my last session. Fuck him and all his psychobabble bullshit.

xxxxxxxxx

I looked over at my nightstand and stuck my hand beneath the drawer to feel around my secret compartment. I couldn't remember if I had enough coke under there to get me through most of my day or not and sure enough I came up empty handed.

With James gone my connection to drugs was also not available anymore. I made a mental note to myself to call Christine to see if she had anything extra.

I wasn't addicted to drugs. I knew this because I could fully function without them, but they took the pain away. When I was on coke or even after smoking just a little bit of weed, my world wasn't full of hate and I didn't feel pain. I was numb and that was good.

Fuck I needed a fix right now, and I needed to think. So I decided I would go to my spot. It was this old set of abandoned railroad tracks that sat over top one of the many rivers in Forks, Washington. No one bothered me here. This was probably because I hadn't told anyone about it. It was the only thing I could still call my own.

So before anyone woke up, I crawled out of bed, slipping a sweatshirt on over my tank top and I grabbed my converse as I walked out the door.

The walk to my spot was only fifteen or so minutes, and I got there just as the sun was beginning to rise.

I climbed the old ladder that was used to get to the top of the railroad tracks. When I got up there, I had to remind myself to watch out for the piece of wood that I always seemed to trip over.

I went to the ledge that looked out on the water and sat down, dangling my feet over the edge.

I took a deep breath in of the fresh air and slowly exhaled. There was something so peaceful and surreal about the view and the clean air here. I felt as though I was outside of my body almost as if I wasn't really there at all, rather I was having an out of body experience. It was exhilarating.

This sudden euphoria allowed me to open my mind and finally stop pushing back what had been on my mind for months. At last I let my mind take its course. I knew with me gone, my parents would be able to live the life they had wanted to from the beginning.

No one would miss me. I wouldn't have to start a new school and be surrounded by more people who wouldn't understand me. They would make their own assumptions about me regardless. I would be known as the depressed rich girl whose parents forced her to go to a public school.

I couldn't just run away. My parents would make sure to find me because _good_ parents wouldn't have lost their only daughter to the streets. They sure as hell would make certain no one thought it was their fault. My parents would exhaust every resource to find me and then I would be back to square one.

So why not just end it here? I would no longer be their fuck up of a daughter, and they could go on with living their lives never having to fake giving a damn about me again.

I could do it here. It was so peaceful, my last image would be of the sun rising and reflecting off of the water. It was the only place that made me truly happy. Dying wouldn't be a sad thing. I would surrender willingly to the water and hopefully feel no pain.

I stood up putting my hair into a pony tail. I laughed at myself, did that even matter?

It was then, as I stood there motionless when a new sensation washed over me….I couldn't help but feel as though I had been transformed. I was no longer Alice. I was simply someone who was trying to find her place somewhere else. Because here and now was not for me, not anymore.

Did I need to take my clothes off? No, that didn't make sense either.

I looked around once more making certain I was alone. I wrapped my arms around my small frame and took another deep and weighty breath. My ribs still hurt from James, I cringed at the memory. It fueled my resolve to commit. My ultimate incentive; finally finding the inner peace I had been searching for.

I stepped back and walked towards the middle section of the tracks where the water was deeper. I crawled behind the bar that was placed there as a barrier and worked my way to the other side. My back was facing the water, and then I turned around so I was flush against the barrier, my arms behind me.

I looked at the water, and was intimidated at first. So much water below me; but it was ok. It was going to help me finally be free. I took a deep breath, intentionally to make my ribs hurt, to remind myself why I was here. I was here for myself, at last taking control, making a conscience decision to finally let go. Unlike so many other things in my life, it was my choice, on my terms…my way in the end. Fuck them…

My heart was racing, my hands shook, and my breathing quickened….a single tear stained my cheek.

_This is it Alice_, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and let my mind go blank. I let go with one of my arms and felt the sensation of having my weight hanging over the edge. Ready to finally be at peace….prepared to enjoy the silence

My fingers started to slip on the bar and I was about to surrender to it when I felt a hand wrap around my wrist, preventing me from falling.

"You really don't want to do that ma'am." I heard a composed voice say behind me.

My instinct was to scream but I turned around suddenly being pulled away from my dreamlike state. I grabbed a hold of the bar behind me, gripping it tightly.

"Here, give me your hand and I'll help you back through, ok?" He said calmly extending his hand.

I looked at his hand and then at his face, just now taking him in. He had curly blond hair and his eyes were a beautiful shade of piercing blue. There was something so calming about his features and I couldn't help but to reach out to his hand and let him help me.

Immediately I was alarmed because I feared he would want to know what I was about to do. He would insist on walking me home and who knows what he would say to my parents. Unbridled fear ripped through me.

Oh God, I had just almost killed myself. The realization of this was paralyzing. My parents would want to put me into some insane asylum. They would do it too, in a heart beat, rather than have anyone find out their precious little girl tried to end her life. My plan had been severely flawed. I hadn't made room for contingencies: at least not for anything or anyone like this.

I slipped my body underneath the bar and then stood up to face him. His hand was still clasped around my wrist and I looked down at it. "Listen, you can let go I'm not going to do anything to myself, I promise." I said, not even sure why I was giving him an explanation.

He released my hand slowly and then he looked at my arm, which was exposed slightly from my sleeves riding up on my sweatshirt. I quickly pulled my sleeve down hoping he hadn't just seen the telling bruises.

"Ok, well uh, I am going to go home now. Thanks again for uh, that." I said not knowing what to say but positive if I said the wrong thing, the worst would happen and my parents would know.

"Actually, miss, why don't you let me walk you home?" He said politely.

"I'm fine, honestly. You don't need to worry about me." _I'm not worth it,_ I thought.

He looked at me with his head cocked to the side, "Are you sure because really, I can walk you home. I think I would feel better knowing you got home safely. Although I don't even know your name, I do believe you when you say you won't do anything. However, where I come from, men walk the ladies home."

He wasn't going to quit was he? His thick accent sent chills through me and immediately gave away he was from the south. I didn't know much about southerners but from what I could tell they were always very courteous. I knew if I said no we would be here for hours with him trying to convince me otherwise.

I was about to answer him when he interrupted. "I have an idea, how about we start over? I'm Jasper." He said extending his hand out to mine.

I unfolded my arms, which had instinctively become like a protective barrier around myself, and stuck my hand out to meet his. "Alice." I said simply.

His smile was kind and I felt as though an enormous weight fell off of my shoulders. Why was this stranger being so nice to me? He knew nothing about me, beside the fact just moments before I had almost killed myself.

And with that we started walking.

The silence between us was awkward and I wanted to break it but I had no idea where to start. Should I thank him for saving me from doing something that was so monumentally life altering? Who am I kidding, ultimately life ending. What had he been doing there anyways? Over all the years that I had been sneaking out of my room to go think I had never once seen anyone there. Let alone hear of anyone talking about my spot.

"So why were you at the railroad tracks anyways?" I asked, suddenly realizing I was speaking.

He grinned and put his hands in his back pockets of his blue jeans. "I needed a place to think. So I followed a path off the side of the road and I ended up where you were." He looked at me. "Do you go there a lot?"

I shrugged "Yeah I mean until you showed up I didn't think anyone knew about it. It was somewhere I could go to think and not be interrupted." I said, almost immediately regretting my choice of words.

"Well I will try and remember that so I don't bug you again." He said with a slight grin.

Well fuck, now I felt bad. "No, I didn't mean it that way. It's a free country, it's not like I own it or anything." Changing the subject quickly, trying to show him that I wasn't a complete cold hearted bitch, "So how old are you Jasper?" _Smooth, Alice._

Jasper told me he was 18 and a senior in High School. When I asked him where he went to school, his answer made me nervous. "I go to Forks High School, and you?" He asked, and I didn't really know what I was expecting. It wasn't like our town was big and you had your selection of schools to attend. I knew I hadn't seen him before at my old school, but to think I was about to enter a new school and the only person I would "know", had already gleaned way too much personal information about my life.

"Actually, I am starting school at Forks High on Monday." I said instantly angry that I revealed my secret.

He looked at me suddenly, "Oh really?" He stated.

I really didn't want the pity party that would undoubtedly come with me being the new girl. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me and force all of his friends to act like they care about me on the first day of school. I didn't need them or that.

Thankfully, we reached my house and I turned to him. "Here's my house, I'm going to go so thank you again for walking me home and talking I guess." I said, feeling weird.

"No problem Alice." He said, and I started up the walkway to my front door when I heard him call out.

"Listen, Alice I know you don't know me very well and I may not have any room to say this. But I want you to know I can be here for you, and if you want to talk about anything, all you have to do is call. Forks is a small town, and there is only one Whitlock family in the phonebook. I also happen to only live two blocks over. So give me a call ok?" He asked sincerely with a serious expression on his face.

I nodded and awkwardly slipped out a 'thanks' and snuck back inside.

The walk up to my room was bizarre. I was half surprised I had let someone, a total stranger to me; take control of my life for what was a small yet significant fraction of time. He had prevented me from hurting myself. This stranger ultimately changed the course of my life.

I reached my room and entered it, shutting the door carefully so as not to make any noise. I looked around at my messy room and sighed. Jasper, whoever he was, had saved my life today. I walked over to my bed, exhausted, kicking the clothes out of my way and settled into my bed.

I pulled the covers over my head and curled up into a tight ball and was shocked at the wave of emotions that seemed to hit me all at once. My adrenaline had long worn off and I felt anger, sadness, grief and an emotion that I hadn't experienced in a very long time: hope.

It was a fleeing sensation as my hope vanished when I looked down at my arms and saw the familiar shades of purples and yellows from the night before. That's when I came to the realization there was something that had wounded me much deeper than any of the scars ever could. Worse than anything I would physically ever endure; no one could help me. I was utterly and completely alone…

A/N Well SURPRISE! This is my new WIP. Breathing Again is over and I love writing too much to not keep it up. This idea came to my head awhile ago. I am head over heels in love with Jasper, and I feel like there aren't too many stories with him in it! So I thought I would try this out. So many thanks to people. Especially to Monica, you seriously make writing so much better! You have such great ideas and your beta'ing is just amazing!

Chapter two is almost written and will be up sometime soon. Thank you for reading, and please leave your thoughts and comments!


	2. Chapter 2

"_Your precious heart, broken and scarred, somehow you made it through"_

My father never hit me. Looking back over the years with my parents, there really was never physical abuse but the verbal and mental abuse was abundant. The emotional shit cut me the deepest. I had given up hope long ago on having any meaningful relationship with my mom; there were too many years of her neglect and hatred towards me. I knew I would never have a true mother. However, when it came to my dad, I used to have a glimmer of hope, once upon a time.

My dad was a psychologist, and he was good at his job or so I assumed since he was always busy with his patients. He owned his private practice with my uncle, his brother. My dad treated the bulk of the patients. He saw patients during the week and my uncle treated patients on the weekends. So that meant that my dad was ours on the weekend right?

Wrong.

He immersed himself in his work constantly. I had to plan ahead of time in order to have any semblance of quality time with him. This took me years to figure out, and by the time I did, our relationship was beyond repair.

It had been about seven years ago and I had landed the supporting role in the play we were doing at school. I didn't have a big part at all, but those three lines I did have meant the world to me. When I went home to tell my parents, my mother simply said in a hurry out the door, "Honey, I think you should look into cheerleading, theater is just so ordinary." I hated when she called me honey, there was no meaning behind the word, and whenever my teacher or anyone would say that word to me, it would make my cringe.

When my father had gotten home that night, I ran to him, giving him his welcome home hug, it was our ritual. "Dad! I got a role in the play, and the director gave me lines!" I said enthusiastically, deeply hoping someone would give me a reaction.

He smiled briefly and congratulated me.

"Will you be there?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't give me the answer I didn't want to hear.

But, without even thinking, he answered, "Wouldn't miss it for the world munchkin."

I was thrilled! I remember telling myself to not get my hopes up. My father had never really come to anything of mine and had used the same excuses every time. "I got tied up at the office." But this time, I had a feeling he would be there. He had assured me and he would never break a promise.

The month leading up to the debut of the play, I cherished those lines and carried them around carefully. I made sure that I knew how to say them, and what the lines were before my own so I would be prepared. The day of the performance, my stomach was full of butterflies. I couldn't do anything but think about that night. When it came time for lunch all I could muster to eat was an apple. At recess I sat on one of the swings, willing myself to not throw up.

Later on that night, a half an hour before the show started, I was all dressed in my outfit and my makeup and hair had been done. I held the piece of paper that contained my lines, close to my chest being careful to not lose them just in case I needed a last minute look through.

One of my friends and cast mates, Cassie, came running up to me, a bouquet of colorful flowers in her hand. "Alice, look at what my parents brought me!" she said enthusiastically.

I smiled and looked at them, seeing almost every bright color I knew in the arrangement. "Those are so pretty! I bet my daddy brought me some!"

"Want to go see the audience? I heard a lot of people talking behind the curtain!" She said excitedly already taking off towards the back of the curtain.

I ran after her, not sure if I could stomach the site of the people before going out on stage. "Girls, come back really quick, you have five minutes!" Our teacher, who was also the director, said to us as we ran by.

We hurried to the curtain and when we got to it, the murmur of voices made me nervous yet curious. She made a small gap through the curtain and we looked out. "There are so many people!" She said turning back to me.

"Let me see!" I heard myself say. I peeked out looking around the audience. Almost every seat was full with family and friends of my cast mates. I let my eyes search to the seat I had gotten my dad. I expected to see him sitting there with flowers and a smile on his face. But when I got to his chair, it was completely empty.

I turned back to Cassie and said, "My dad's not here." I said to her.

She looked up at me from her flowers, "I bet he is just running late Alice, he still has a few minutes. Come on, we better get going or Mr. Frank is going to kill us for being late!"

I nodded my head, believing her words and went to the other room where the cast was gathering.

My part wasn't supposed to happen until the second half of the play, and I spent my time reading my lines, over and over. I knew them backwards and forwards and was excited to show off all of my hard work to my dad.

Finally, my time came and I entered the stage. There were a few lines before mine and I did something that I shouldn't have; I looked out into the audience. I had to see my dad and once I did, I knew that I could go on.

It didn't take long to spot his seat since it was the only empty one in the house.

My heart froze; he wasn't here. It was well into the second half of the play and I knew he had had plenty of time to get here and into his seat. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.

"Alice!" I heard someone whisper next to me. My eyes darted to the person in front of me.

"And where have you been Becca?" He said.

I knew this was my cue and by the look on his face, it wasn't the first time he had said it.

My thoughts scrambled together as I tried to remember what I needed to say and finally, with much delay, I replied.

As soon as I was finished with my lines, I walked far too fast off the stage. When I got through the curtain, I ran to the bathroom in the school and cried for the next half an hour.

That night after my mom had picked me up from the school play, I came to the stark realization there were three things I needed to cease immediately in order to survive; I needed not to feel, not to care, and not to hope.

XXX

It was, unfortunately Monday, and for me that meant my first day of school. I didn't want to go, not one bit, and I even contemplated skipping all together; no one would notice. Laying in bed, I stared at my ceiling counting the circles in the ceilings design.

Not that I gave a shit, but no one would know me. Well that wasn't entirely true. Jasper would be there and I wasn't quite sure how I felt seeing him after what he witnessed me almost doing. I was suddenly embarrassed all over again. What the fuck was I going to do when I saw him at school today? I didn't think I could look at him straight on without it being awkward. I took a deep breath and without exhaling, I held it just to see how long I could. The seconds passed on quickly and as I approached the minute mark I could feel a burning sensation in my chest. I needed air, but I didn't want it.

I started to feel light headed when I was interrupted by the sound of pounding coming from behind my door. "Alice Brandon, you will not be late for your first day, you don't need more people thinking you are a mess-up; you have enough already!" My mother said.

I let my breath out and quickly gasped for more air as I heard her heels clicking down the hallway. I stuck my middle finger out, wishing she could see me.

After I caught my breath, I threw my covers off and grabbed my towel I kept hanging on the back of my door and headed into the bathroom.

After my shower I threw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. My hair was messy with crazy waves that I left in without brushing it. Quickly I ran downstairs to grab water before heading out when I saw my mom sitting at our breakfast table, her smoothie in hand. Her disapproving eyes traveled all the way up from my chuck taylor's to my ragged hair.

"Alice, it is your first day of school, don't you want to make a better first impression?" She asked taking off of her glasses.

I rolled my eyes "See ya." I said and I was out the door.

As soon as I walked out my front door I put my hood up and looked around. It was, of course, raining and the last thing I needed was to walk into class soaking wet.

I got my keys out for my Saturn and got in, starting the engine within seconds. I used to be able to just walk to school but since we moved, I didn't live a few blocks away anymore and I had to drive my car. When I turned seventeen my parents didn't want to drive me around anymore so I had to my get my license. I didn't mind; it gave me the opportunity to get out more.

I pulled out of my driveway and immediately reached into the glove compartment. Without having to look, I found my pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, sliding it in-between my lips. I lit it swiftly and inhaled the smoke that brought a sense of calm to my nerves. Not that I was anxious about what people thought of me, because honestly I would never see these people after this school year so what did I care.

By the time I had arrived at school, I had already smoked three cigarettes. My mind was at ease and I felt calm stepping out the car. I stuffed my pack of cigarettes into the pocket of my hoodie and walked to the office.

The office was small and stuffy, smelling of burnt coffee. My eyes searched for a clue to where I was supposed to go, and when I saw the little table plaque saying "secretary" I walked over wanting to get this over with.

"Hi, I'm Alice Brandon; today's my first day here." I said to a very plump woman sitting behind a desk who was wearing an awful shade of pink. I averted my eyes from her shirt and looked at her face.

"Ah, Miss Brandon, we were expecting you. Here, you are going to have to fill out these forms. When you are done with those dear, I can go over your schedule with you."

I smiled at her in response and grabbed the small stack of papers and sat down in the seat across from her desk. The questions were simple, mostly asking about my performance in past schools. Twenty minutes later, I was finally finished. By then I felt like I could recite all of the questions in my head; they were mostly repeats. I walked over to her and handed her the papers.

"Ok, honey." She started

_Ugh, don't call me that!_ I thought to myself.

She continued, "Here is your schedule, so why don't you look over it quickly and let me know if you have any questions. I am going to grab our office assistant so that they can show you were everything is. I'll be right back!"

Looking at my schedule, there wasn't anything that was a surprise. I had math, which I had already missed the majority of, historical studies, French, English and gym.

"Wonder how many different excuses I could use to get out of Gym?" I said out loud to myself.

"Alright, Alice, this is Bella Swan" She said as she came out from the back of the room. I looked up to see whom she was talking about; Bella was a small petite girl. She had huge brown eyes and brown hair that fell in waves. She was so plain looking yet there was something about her that was pretty.

"Hi Alice! I'm Bella." She said sticking out her hand. I took it hesitantly.

"Ok ladies, there are only about ten minutes left in this class so make sure you don't slack around." She said sitting back down behind her desk.

Bella nodded and led me out of the office and into the empty hallway.

"Ok, what do you want to see first Alice? Gym, cafeteria…there are so many exciting things here in this hell hole!" She said sarcastically.

I laughed, appreciating her sense of humor, totally not expecting it from her."Yeah, listen you don't need to walk me to my classes. I can find my way around here I am sure and I feel bad bothering you." I didn't mean to sound like I was blowing her off, but I felt weird having someone show me around.

She smiled, "Alice I really don't think you could ever bug me, besides, being an office assistant is a duty that needs to be fulfilled and I will not slack on that duty!" She said in a funny impression of a serious person.

"If you say so." I said pulling my sweatshirts sleeves down around my wrists.

She showed me the basics; the bathroom, the gym, the cafeteria and I was surprised that we had gotten through all of that before the bell rang. That just told you how small this school was.

'What classes do you have?" She asked as she started leading me to my locker.

I pulled out my schedule which was stuffed in my pants pocket and handed it to her.

"Hey, we have English together!" she said suddenly.

I nodded my head, "Well at least I will know someone!"

"And you have history with my boyfriend, Edward. He is a history genius so if you need any help let him know!"

_Who names their kid 'Edward'?_ I thought to myself.

She went on quickly about the other classes I had with people I knew, and honestly I didn't think I would be able to remember all of the names.

"Well here you go, the bell is about to ring so I guess I will see you later in English! And hey, at lunch today, feel free to sit with us; I can introduce you to everyone!"

"Ok, uh, thanks Bella." I said turning my back and opening my locker.

The bell rang seconds later and soon I was off to History. It was of course boring but luckily I snagged a seat in the back of the room. I hated all of the looks I got. Everyone wanted to look at the new girl and suddenly, my mom's words ran through my head. Thankfully the class passed by quickly and it was lunch time. I headed into lunch with only my bottle of water…I didn't feel like eating today.

I instantly spotted Bella and recognized her boyfriend from my history class. I smiled slightly, feeling almost happy; something I wasn't aware I could feel on the first day of school. I started walked over to her when I noticed a very familiar person come and sit down next to Bella. He had on jeans and a black long sleeved shirt, his blond hair slightly shorter than it had been the first day I had seen him. I got that feeling again he had given to me that day on the bridge; hope. But then, as I was walking over, a girl with jet black hair came over and sat down next to him, pulling him into a kiss.

He had a girlfriend.

I should have known.

I stopped and Bella looked at me funny, and Jasper's eyes followed her gaze. I turned around quickly, hoping he hadn't just seen me and walked out of the cafeteria in hopes of somewhere to escape.

I walked around aimlessly until I found a sign that said "Exit to terrace". I pushed the door open and was welcomed by the cool fresh air.

Breathing it in deeply, I fished my cigarettes out of my pocket and put one in my mouth. I didn't even bother looking around when I lit it.

How could I allow myself to feel hopeful? Of course he had a girlfriend, and I felt foolish standing there thinking he might not. I should never have allowed myself to feel happy; it was only going to be a disappointment.

I was too lost in my thoughts to hear the door open and the voice behind me startled me, making me jump. I turned around, cigarette still in-between my fingers and came face to face with Jasper.

He shook his head, "You could get in a lot of trouble, you know." He said walking over to me with a smirk on his face.

I took a deep drag and exhaled, "It's what I do best."

A/N Please let me know what you think of this! I thrive on your reviews and opinions, and would love to know what you are all thinking about! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon! Thanks for reading! And as always, thank you Monica for your amazing beta abilities and ideas!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three Paint Me the Way That I Am.

His warm, sticky hand covered my mouth and my body squirmed underneath his as I went to scream, but nothing came out, as if my vocal cords had been severed. Seemingly like a metaphor for my life; all I wanted to do was scream but as hard as I tried…nothing came out and no one could hear me.

"Do as I say, honey," James said and he lowered his mouth to mine.

That's when I woke up.

"Fuck that," I said as I got out of bed not even glancing at the clock; the darkness outside giving away the time. I opened my window and stuck my head out feeling the coolness of the air wrap around my face. I breathed in and grabbed my sweatshirt before jumping out onto the roof that was just below the window. Once reached the ground, I ran, my feet knowing exactly where I was going.

I hadn't been to my spot since the morning Jasper had found me. I shook my head, not wanting to think about it again.

When I finally got to the ladder leading up to the railroad tracks, I stopped when I heard footsteps above me.

_Oh yeah, I shared this place with Jasper_ I thought to myself.

I turned around swiftly knowing that I needed to go somewhere else. I needed to be alone; go somewhere where I could rock myself to the silence that surrounded me.

"Alice?" I heard behind me.

_Damnit. _

I had to turn around…if I didn't I would look pretty ridiculous and knowing how he seemed to be, Jasper would only come running after me.

As he lightly jogged towards me, it was clear he had also just crawled out of bed and came here. He wore thick black rimmed glasses and had on black sweatpants and a blue hoodie; his hair was in a tiny ponytail.

"Everything okay?" he asked me as he approached.

I shrugged and stuffed my hands into the pockets of my gray sweatshirt. "Why do you care?" I asked him. It wasn't that I was trying to be a bitch about it, but he was dating Maria, at least I think that was her name. I couldn't see any reason for him to give a damn.

"You don't have to tell me, I just figured I would be nice…you know…that thing that _friends_ do?" he responded.

"Why, because we are friends now or something?" I snapped back, instantly regretting my words. He lifted his eyebrow at me and smirked.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, it has been a really bad morning and I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." _Why did I care?_

He shuffled his feet. "Why didn't you call me then?"

It wasn't his words that made me feel like he cared; it was the honesty that struck me.

He walked me home, only after I insisted I did not need his accompaniment but it was Jasper so of course he followed me home.

"You know, Alice, Maria and I aren't really dating," Jasper said as we turned onto my neighborhood's street.

_Oh?_ I thought. "Oh, uh okay," I said unsure as to why he was telling me that.

We said our quick goodbyes, and that was it. I snuck back in the house and tiptoed into my room only wanting to return to sleep. I hadn't even been able to think but it didn't matter anymore.

x.x.x

It was Friday and it was finally the fucking weekend. Christine had been bugging the shit out of me to come to one of her parties, and I was finally going. My parents were finally going to be gone for the weekend, and as far as I was concerned, so was I.

"Where the mother-fuck have you been, Alice Brandon?" I heard as soon as I stepped into the doorway of the dirty, musty and cluttered apartment belonging to Catherine's boyfriend. As I crossed the threshold it was as though there was a cloud, and as I passed through it, I was hit with the all too familiar smell of weed and cigarette smoke; I was home.

My eyes quickly followed the voice that had greeted me and they landed on Gary, the man who supplied almost every drug known to man.

I shrugged at him and watched as he took a slow drag from the blunt in his hand. I suddenly wanted it so badly; I could taste it in my mouth and feel the smoke inching down my throat. He must have seen my staring and he held it out. "Hit it, babe," he said to me.

Without any hesitation, I walked over to him and stuck it in between my lips, taking a pull on it. I held it in without a second thought. Exhaling, I took another hit, and then another. I didn't want to waste anytime getting high.

I felt myself smile as I handed the blunt back to him and I walked through the house searching for Christine. Knowing exactly where to find her, I went to the kitchen where sure enough there she was, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

I could feel the music pulsate from my toes to my lips and as they vibrated, the room felt like a body of water and I was the rock falling into it making a ripple effect. I closed my eyes for a moment and I started to feel the familiar weed induced haze that took over my mind.

When I opened my eyes, Christine's boyfriend, Marcus, had his hands wrapped around her waist, and they were moving to the music in a drunken manner.

I watched them silently, amazed in the way they moved. I wasn't sure how long I had been standing there, minutes, or hours but she finally looked over at me and smiled, handing me her bottle of vodka. I wasted no time and began to drink straight from the bottle.

Soon I was drunk, high and swaying by myself to the music. But I wasn't alone for long.

I jumped at his contact, but taking another swig of the alcohol made me not give a damn. I wasn't myself anymore. I was an empty body with an even emptier soul. As I swung to the music and felt his hands snake up my body, I surrendered myself to the alcohol and felt nothing.

It was as though I blacked out temporarily because when I came to, I found myself alone with him. I was in a room, on a bed with him on top of me; his lips hot on my neck and his hand between my legs.

I nodded, not really knowing what I was giving permission to but suddenly his dick replaced his hand and he was grunting into my ear. I couldn't lie and say that it felt bad, because it felt fucking good…but it was all wrong at the same time.

My eyes scanned around the dark room hunting for the bottle of vodka to take away my thoughts, but as I began to regain my senses, I abruptly realized where I was.

Suddenly I felt my arms move, pushing him away. However, he pushed harder into me. "I'm almost there honey," he said, in a disgruntled voice. With one last thrust, he was thrown over the edge. The full weight of his body pressed down on me. He was spent, breathing hard; the scent of alcohol and sex heavy in the room.

_Honey._

"No!" I said forcefully and he got off me with a confused look on his face. I looked at him apologetically. "Sorry," I said to him, wondering why I was making excuses and making myself more confused.

He got up putting his boxers and jeans back on. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you girls," he said walking to the door shaking his head in obvious confusion and frustration. He turned back to me as I pulled my shirt back on. "Oh and by the way, I forgot to use a condom." And then he walked out.

Unable to register what he just said, I stood up, trying to keep my balance as I put my clothes back on.

I needed to get out of there. I didn't even bother buttoning my jeans before running outside, grabbing a jacket I found on the floor.

After I was far from the house, I stuck my finger down my throat, gagging myself in an effort to rid my body of the alcohol I had consumed. Disgusted, I wiped my mouth and went to the main road to travel my fifteen-minute walk home.

When I got home, I busted through the door, collapsing onto the floor heavily. I felt the blood as soon as my teeth bit down on my lip during my fall.

"Fuck!" I said, to empty space as I brought my sweater to my lips hoping to stop the bleeding.

I scooted to the wall and leaned against it willing myself to come to. My high pretty much gone, and most of the alcohol out of my system, I tried to remember what happened. The night was a blur, and as I glanced at the hallway clock, I realized I was at Marcus' house for over five hours.

Everything was a haze but one thing was vivid, I had sex with someone. The thought of it made me vomit into my mother's favorite vase. He had been the first person I had let touch me anywhere since James.

I hated myself as I realized I couldn't even remember what his face looked like. It had been a quick and hard fuck.

Then the words came to me.

"_I forgot to use a condom."_

No matter how desperate James and I had been when our relationship was willing, we had always remembered to use protection.

I shuddered knowing I was more than likely filled with diseases and probably now a baby.

Looking around at the dark lonely hallway, I started to cry, no…sob.

Not sure what I was looking for, I ran into the kitchen, knocking things over as I went. I looked to my right and saw our collection of cutlery. My mind scattered with ideas, but right next to it was my cell phone, which I had placed there earlier.

"Jasper," I said aloud, in astonishment.

My fingers flew as they found his name in the address book and I clicked send. My hand was shaking so violently that I needed both hands to hold the phone to my ear.

The phone rang four times before I heard his voice on the other end.

"Alice?" he said in a groggy voice. I forgot that most people would be asleep at 4 am, but it didn't matter.

"I need you, I can't be alone tonight," I said quickly, wincing at my words.

I heard something shuffling, and then he spoke. "Are you ok?"

I so desperately wanted to give him the answer I had been giving everyone the past few months but I couldn't. It was as though my lips could no longer form the words together. I felt more tears reach my eyes as I spoke into the phone. "No."

I heard him say something about coming over but the phone slipped from my hand as though it was slick with oil. I crashed to the floor along with the phone and curled up into a ball.

He found me on the kitchen floor beneath the counter, rocking back and forth, crying. He asked me if he could pick me up, somehow seeming to sense as to why I didn't let anyone touch me. I allowed myself to lean into him as he walked up the stairs to my room.

"How did you get inside?" I asked speaking into his shirt.

"The door was wide open. Don't worry, I locked it behind me when I came inside," he said as he reached my door, kicking it open with his foot.

He set me down on my bed and he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. Being careful, he sat down next to me and put his hands in his lap.

We sat there in silence for a while and then he spoke. "Did anyone hurt you?" he asked.

I contemplated my answer. "Tonight?" I asked, because really there were different answers for different days.

He nodded and I answered, "No, not tonight."

Nodding, he lightly put his hand on top of mine and I let out an uncontrollable whimper.

"Jasper, I am so broken," I said with a sob. He turned towards me and went to put his hand to my cheek, hesitating but when I didn't pull away, he continued.

Cupping my face he said, "Let me help you put yourself back together then, darlin."

I nodded and put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me.

"Tell me what happened," he whispered, even though were alone in this big empty house.

And for the first time in years I allowed myself to share a piece of me with someone. With the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, and the scent of his skin, I felt something so foreign to me, hope.

A/N Okay, so it has been way too long since I have updated! And I am so sorry! School was crazy this semester and now I am on break…thankfully. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this…a million thanks to my beta Monica!


	4. Chapter 4

I instantly regretted opening my eyes as I was overcome with an all too familiar throbbing sensation taking over my head. I groaned wanting to pull the blinds down to shield the sun. It was the reason for me waking up in the first place. As I was lying on my stomach, all I had to do was reach over and pull on the string and darkness would soon consume my room once again.

Easier said than done. My body felt like it was being weighed down by some invisible force. Too eager to go back to sleep, I tried with all of my might to turn around so I could grasp that fucking string.  
With my eyes still closed, I wiggled around and finally as I felt my arm free of the invisible weight and reaching for the string, I heard a loud thud.

"What the fuck!" I said aloud sitting straight up, fully awake now. I gathered my sheets around me as I quickly realized I was only wearing a sports bra and shorts. That thud was definitely not just a pillow hitting the floor.

A groaning sound came from my floor and I wracked my brain trying to remember who had stayed over last night. Not that guy I had fucked. Shit…I needed to get that Plan C or whatever that shit was called before it was too late. The only other person I saw outside of the party I was at, that I could remember was…

"Jasper?" I asked leaning over my bed only to see Jasper laying there, fully clothed and rubbing his head.  
"Well that's always a great way to wake up. I highly recommend it for the next time you wake up," he said as he stood up.

Wide eyed, I asked the only question that came to mind, "Did we sleep together or something?"

Laughing and running a hand through his messy, dirty blonde hair he said, "No, Alice, we didn't and the only reason why you don't have your original clothes on is because you kept throwing up on them last night. After the second pair of pants and the fourth shirt, I didn't bother trying to get you to wear something else. You were very persistent about not getting dressed last night."

"I'm sorry," I said, grabbing a shirt from my dresser and slipping it on. "That must have been disgusting. Why did you even stay? I could have handled it all myself I am sure."

"You have no idea how _gone_ you were last night do you? Do you remember anything from last night?" he asked calmly.

Shrugging I said, "Well I remember bits and pieces of it. I remember coming home and then being up here and telling you everything that happened. But after that, I don't. Listen, I can totally take things from here. You really don't have to stay here and babysit me. I should probably get going to the drugstore. I need to get something."

He walked over to my desk and held up a bag. "I picked this up last night after you told me what that asshole did to you. You just have to take the one pill and you're good to go."

_How the fuck did he know what to do?_ "Uhh, thanks but how did you get that without me being there?"

"Well, I can be very charming when it comes to convincing someone to give me what I want." He looked at me and smiled. "My best friend's dad is a doctor. I told him I had a friend who was in an emergency situation and he gave this to me."

I looked down at the box he handed to me, recognizing the label on the box. It was exactly what I would have picked up for myself. Now knowing what he had done for me, I felt bad that only moments ago I was ready to kick him out of my house.

"Uh, well I am going to go to the bathroom and change and take care of this," I said as I motioned to the box. "You can help yourself to whatever here. My parent's housekeeper keeps the refrigerator stocked; help yourself."

Jasper smiled, and I turned my back to him, walking towards my bathroom.

I shut the bathroom door behind me and leaned my back against it. Walking over to the sink I grabbed my water glass from the counter and filled it up with water. Avoiding the mirror, I took the pill and swallowed it. I wanted to erase the whole night as soon as possible.

I looked around my bathroom for any type of shirt I could find. Slipping on an old t-shirt I found on the floor over my head, I finally looked up into the mirror. What I saw scared me. I was unrecognizable. I had dried and smeared mascara covering my eyes and the tops of my cheeks. My lips were puffy as were my eyes. And my hair was knotted in various places. I shook my head not knowing whether I gave a shit or not.

Apparently I did. I turned the water on and splashed my face to wash away my makeup.

Five minutes later, and I was finally feeling back to normal...whatever that was.

My stomach grumbled as welcoming scents filled my nose. I turned the corner from the staircase to the kitchen and was shocked at the sight. Jasper was standing with his back towards me making what smelled like eggs and bacon. My mood shifted quickly from being super hungry, too annoyed and pissed off. He was throwing me a pity party. No, a pity breakfast.

"Jasper, this is nice of you but seriously you don't have to do this."

He turned around and looked at me. "It really isn't a problem. I am almost done."

I folded my arms against my chest. "Well I can finish from here. I really don't need a pity party from anyone!" _Please don't argue..._ I thought to myself, _just leave._

He switched the stove off and took the pan off the burner. "See, done."

He walked over to me and his face changed from welcoming and kind, to serious. "I was not throwing you a pity party or whatever you want to call it. I was trying to be nice."

"Well I don't need you to be nice to me, okay?" I shook my head as he still hadn't left. "You know what, just forget it okay? I'll be just fine."

He scoffed and started to walk away, grabbing his keys off of the counter.

"You know, Alice, you aren't the only one here who has problems. Did that thought ever cross your mind?"

I looked down at the ground.

"I'll see you at school."

Something inside of me pained as he started to walk away. And before I could shut my big fat mouth, the words came out like word vomit, "Wait, don't go."

All I could think in that moment was how much I wanted him to stay. I didn't want him to leave and a part of me was scared what would happen if he did.

He turned around and walked back over to me. "Why should I stay, Alice?"

I looked into his blue eyes and knew I couldn't lie to him. "Because I need you. For some fucked up reason you are the one person I know who I need around me. And I am scared what will happen if you walk out that door."

The tears were coming back and I silently cursed myself for them, but my thoughts were silenced as I felt Jasper's arms wrap around my shoulders. They tightened and before I knew it, my own were around his waist.

I pulled back slightly, wiping the tears away that had betrayed me moments ago.

He pushed away a piece of hair. "I'm here Alice. I know I told you that weeks ago on the railroad tracks, but I wasn't lying to you then, and I'm not lying to you now."

I nodded, and the words he had spoken before walking out re-entered my mind. "What did you mean when you said I am not the only one?"

"How about you and I grab a plate of food and I will tell you my story."

He served us both heaping plates of eggs and bacon and as I sat on the counter with my food, I was ready to listen.

"I know it is completely different from what you are going through, so don't think I am trying to make my own experience equal to yours.

"You have shitty parents, Alice. While I am sure you wish you didn't, you at least you know who they are. I am 18 years old and I have never met my own parents. For as long as I can remember I have been shifted from home to home in hopes of finding a foster family that would fit me. The family I am living with, they are my 6th family in just ten years. I have been hurt, maybe not in the same way you are, but I know pain."

My eyes widened as I digested his words. Did that mean he had been physically abused?

"I know what it is like to feel as though you can finally feel that someone actually gives a shit about you and then not even a minute later turn their backs on you. Welcome to my life."

Shocked by this revelation I wasn't sure what to say next.

"So when you ask me to not throw you a pity party, I hope you know that isn't what I am trying to do. I know what it feels like, I can relate. If I can take that pain away from just one person…I guess I'd be happy. Maybe it would make up for the shit I have done in the past."

I smiled, and then the word vomit returned. . "Did they ever hurt you, physically?"

He set his fork down and ran a hand through his hair; something that seemed to be a nervous habit.

"Fuck, Jasper, I'm sorry shouldn't have asked you that. If anyone would ever ask me that, I would have fucking flipped out."

Something in his eyes changed after I asked that; a change that sent chills down my spine. It was all the answer I needed and suddenly I felt the need to be near him.

I hopped down from the counter and walked over to where he was sitting. I sat down next to him and I slowly reached my hand out, taking his in my own.

"You're not alone, Alice," he whispered.

I leaned my head on his shoulder, shocked at my willingness to touch. "I know." And for the first time in God knows how long, I believed it.

A/N Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me on this! And as always to my beta. I want to give a shout out to EmergencyBetaServices they are AMAZING. They sit with you and go over what you are stuck on and try and help. It was great!

Also, I am hosting, with UrNotFukinKStew, a contest called "Hot Summer Nights" please check it out! **www (dot) fanfiction (.) net/~HotSummerNights** Email is summernightscontest (at) gmail (dot) com .


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